August 06, 2005 - 4:33 a.m.
yeah this dosnt help.
ok, so my mom has cancer-- thats been a big weight lately. i havnt had the best relationship with her over the decade or two or whatever. the whole she might be dying forces me to try to come to terms with her and my relationship with her. i dont really know how. i still have this inherent avoidance thing that kinda kicks in, but then after i think about it im like, no, blah blah blah what if she is going to die. its kind of a catastrophic way of looking at things. its hard not to think like that. i only have one parent left.
yeah so we got set up to play tonight and the setlist shut down after the first band, because noone showed up. that sucked.
i feel like a worthless pile of idiotic lame lard humping along from day to day with no meaning, no point, no need.
i do kind of wish that i could find a piece of myself, somehow. where what or how, im not really sure. ive almost given up though. its sad. thats always been the essence of me. that relentless search for "who am i". its like ive lost the reason to try anymore. apathetic. A-Pathetic... thats me. I feel like a pathetic human being. low self asteem? not usually, but for some reason today. realization perhaps-- im not really sure. more like a vocalization of all the middle ground between the face i present and who i am deep deep inside. the ooze that seeps from the corners and crevasces is a pathetic human being. thats what i want least in the world. to become the ooze, the filler of lifes essence. the void. the void that defines who i am. i dont want to be the ooze, but the ooze is what i am becoming. (i urge to say have become but my own convoluded hope holds me back)
what is it this time phil. what is it. why the breakdown tonight and what have i done to diserve it. who the fuck am i talking to? me? why cant i see any light at the end of this journey any more. why cant i see the place that i once tried to hard to dream. im dying man. im dying and i dont know how to stop.
